"If you want to leave, leave. But do know that when you do, there’s no coming back. You won’t see me hanging there waiting for some miracle to happen because God knows I wasn’t born to be your second option."
Last November 23, 2013, at the Benitez Hall of Teacher’s Hall in Baguio City, something happened that changed my life. I was elected as the Chairperson of the Philippine Association of Campus Student Leaders - Luzon Core Group. And as the Chairperson of PACS-L Luzon, I’m organizing the PACSA Luzon Midyear Convention with the PACSA Chair, Sir Bb. The midyear convention is just a few days away. And I’m feeling nauseous about it. The expectations are high and the pressure is scaring me. And because of it, I can’t help but think of the reason why I’m even here.
Not everyone is aware of the reason why I ran as PACSA officer. Others might think it’s politically motivated since I was actually being eyed as the standard bearer of LLR Reporma back then. And being the Chairman of a national organization would make a great “credential” for the campaign. However, all I wanted was to represent the University. I always enjoyed hearing the stories of my elders who were already able to attend PACSA. Especially the stories from Kuya Macky (the person on my right). He has been a PACSA officer for two years (if i’m not mistaken) and last year he was one of the VP’s of the core group. He’s actually one of the reasons why I became Chair. When Kuya Edisen called for the representatives per school, Kuya Macky, Jae and the others told me to represent the University. I had to talk to the other schools from region V, and from then we would be choosing two students who would represent the whole region in the Luzon Core Group. I was the only female rep from region V but I didn’t feel bad about it. Kuya Macky, despite being busy with the pageant he was organizing, would constantly check on me if I was okay. After the deliberation from region V, he immideiately asked me if I was one of the representatives for the core group. I said yes and then I asked him what to do next, and he answered me with “Go for the Chairperson”. To be honest, I wasn’t really confident enough to run as Chair since it was my first time in the organization and again I was the only female in the group. But because of Kuya Macky’s encouragement and the thought of my fellow BU students waiting outside the hall, I felt the need to stand out and just be there for my school. So when we were already deliberating on who would be the Chairperson. I was vocal and firm that I want to run. After that we had to vote, and I won. I won as chair. I was elected.
I think if Kuya Macky had answered me differently, I wouldn’t even have the guts to run. If Jae and the others hadn’t chosen me to represent the school in the first place, I wouldn’t even make it as an officer. So I think I owe this one to Kuya Macky and the others. They gave me the extra push that I needed. And it lead me to where I am now.
I know the fear of failing will never leave me, but the thought of having these people beside me is enough reason to just go for it. I really can’t wait for the Midyear Convention and I’m looking forward for the National Convention this November to finally meet my successor.Hopefully, the next Chairman or Vice Chairman would still be from BU. :)
I don’t know all the right answers, but I try my best to think of one just to stop myself from over thinking. Sometimes all we need is an answer to calm us down. Not all answers are good, but just the thought of having an answer - an idea- to all the existing questions in my head is good enough for me.
But then, there are those nights.
Nights like this.
When no matter how hard you try, no matter how deep you think, no matter how much effort you put on it, you just can’t find any answer to the big questions in life. You just can’t figure out what’s wrong with people. You just can’t decipher the meaning behind their actions. It’s hard to deal with the mind games their playing with you. It’s just too much to handle.Too much that all you want to do is curl up in your bed and hope for everything to pass. Because that’s just how things are.They just pass.
I can’t figure this one out. I’m too exhausted, too much consumed, to even think of a rational answer. How I wish it’s over.
Friend: If you know the other person might not just hold on for too long in a long distance relationship, would you still risk it?
Me: Yes. Because it's love. And you're not supposed to limit yourself when you love a person. Even if you know that it might not last in the long run, at least you know you've spent your time well with them, because you know you showed them you love them.