"Every day, I waited for you to say something. Perhaps a simple “Hi” could have been enough. It could have made all the difference. But I waited in silence. Then I figured, I cannot keep on waiting for someone who didn’t even noticed my existence. And so I stopped waiting and then I stopped believing and I started accepting the fact that it wasn’t meant to be after all."
I’m finding it really hard to put up a happy face these past few days. I know I should be happy since my birthday is coming up, but no, it doesn’t seem to work that way. I could care less about my birthday. For some reason, I just want to stay in my room and lock myself up. I want to have some time alone and just think about the things that are happening around me. Maybe in that way, I can understand the reason behind their actions and why it’s affecting me negatively. I’m used to getting negative criticisms. But then, it gets hard when it’s the only thing you hear every day. It hurts whenever people misinterpret or judge you. It hurts to smile and put up that strong front. But what else can I do? That’s what they expect from me. Expectations suck. People can say that I don’t have to please anybody. But I’m really not doing this to live up to other people’s expectations. I’m doing this because I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to disappoint myself. Some say I have a good life. But a good life doesn’t always mean a happy life. Don’t you think? I’m healthy, I’m in school, I’m in the student council, My family is okay, Several opportunities are coming in my way, but at the end of the day, there’s still something that’s missing. There are still those nights (just like this) when I am just sad. I think I have mild depression. Or maybe I’m bipolar. I’m just struggling right now. How do I handle everything? How do I take everything in? Struggling.
PS. I am not perfect. When you get to know me, you’ll know how miserable I am. I’m just good at hiding it. (wink, wink)
But seriously, I am a mess right now.
The world has gone forward and here I am stuck in my own shell. Sometimes I think of keeping my circle small. Like being friends with a few people and just forget about everyone else. I wonder what kind of world that would be. I think it would be easier. Because it’s really hard to meet people who would make a huge impact in your life and then they will suddenly leave you for reasons that you can no longer control. I’m not good at saying good bye. I’m not good at moving forward. I have separation issues. That’s why I don’t want to be too attached to people because when people leave, it would hurt. When people say good bye, it would hurt. When they move forward, it would hurt. Everything will hurt and the sad part is I would be hurting alone. ~
The art of dealing with pain.
Of the billions and millions of people roaming around this planet that we call Earth, there would be a lot of people who would try to tear you apart. They will break you and crush you and torment you for all they care. You will get hurt, and you will feel pain- a great amount of pain from people who may or may not matter that much. Selfish people exist, and yes, we do not live in a perfect world.
If it hasn’t sunk in to you yet or you just want to get a repeated dose of reality, then here: WE ARE ALL DOOMED TO LIVE A LIFE OF NEVER ENDING TRIALS AND DEVASTATING CHANGES BECAUSE THE WORLD IS IMPERFECT AND IT’S DEFINITELY NOT FAIR. The world is filled with cruel people. Crueler than you could ever imagine. And in the billions existing, only a thousand would comprise the ones who want to bring you down.
But do you really think they’re important? Do you think every single person of the one thousand people would really be able to inflict that much pain to you? And do you really think you would carry that same amount of pain forever?
I don’t think so. Because in that one thousand, only a hundred or may be a fewer would matter. And only a few would last for a reasonable amount of time.
Pain is inevitable. It’s all around us. Just like what I’ve said, the world is an imperfect place. But then again, we get to choose who inflicts the greatest pain in our lives. If a stranger calls you ugly, you will not bother that much. But if someone special tells you that, for sure, you will feel heartbroken. Same scenario, different people, different degree of pain. Because if someone really does matter, then we would really be affected by what they say or do.
Truth betold: We have a say on who can hurt us and who would hurt us more.
The world is an imperfect place filled with imperfect people creating imperfect scenarios just to give someone an imperfect life. And that’s enough reason for you to fall apart. But then we are the masters of our life. And we get to have a say on who matters and who doesn’t. If those imperfect people are causing you unreasonable pain, then leave them.
Someone who recently got his heart broken asked me, “Until when will I feel this pain, when will i stop crying?”
My answer was simple: Until you tell yourself to suck it up and carry on.
You can never stop people from hurting you. And you can never stop yourself from feeling the pain that you’re supposed to feel. But you can always choose who would hurt you and until when you would feel hurt. Because we are the masters of our lives, and we have the power to choose the things that would count.
Despite the world’s imperfections, there would still be those who are happy inhabiting it. Despite the many trials one encounters, there would still be those who would rise up to be as glorious and triumphant. Yes, You can argue that they might be happy people by nature or they were born strong and destined to be great.
But I say, they have just mastered the art of dealing with pain.
Holding on made it hurt more.
They said when things go wrong for the both of you, then you should learn how to compromise. I was willing to compromise just to save whatever it is left of us. I was willing to risk the only cards I had. It was an ordeal I was willing to go through just because I was not yet ready to see you go. I sulked in every ounce of pride I had left. I held on to every possible chance to keep you. All that I accepted because I was never ready to see you go.
But holding on made it hurt more.
For the benefit of the doubt, I tried. We all know I tried~ too much even that I forgot that maybe we didn’t need to compromise, we needed an ultimatum. You needed that. Because clearly your heart’s no longer here. Perhaps the absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart forget. And I’d rather see myself go and forget, than feel the sting of a love that leads to nowhere.
Letting go hurts, but holding on hurts more. And I’m sorry if I’m not strong enough to hold on for the both of us. But I’ve done my part. Now, it’s another chapter for me.
People always leave. But after awhile, you’ll get used to the feeling of being alone. And then it won’t hurt as much.