"There are a lot of things I want to do but it wouldn’t be complete if I don’t do it with you."
I don’t believe in.
Here are the things, mostly cliche, that I don’t believe in and that has left me wondering why they even exist.
But if there’s something I believe in, it would be LOVE. Genuine love. I don’t believe in the things stated above because for me, those are just add-ons. They do not give meaning to love. They do not give justice to love. It just complicates the true essence of love. Love is supposed to be a great thing yet people throw it away like it’s nothing. Love in its simplest form can be found in the simple actions one makes. It does not require grand romantic gestures. It does not require a formula to make it work. It does not require standards or physical abilities. It only requires a sincere heart. A heart that will do, not a heart that will say. Because we love with actions, not with words. A lot of people forget that. They attach different things to love- dates, standards, flowers, promises, chocolates etc. but love is not felt with the day you spend or the things you receive, It is felt with the sincerity in your actions.
Some people are wondering why it’s so hard for me to open my heart to someone new. I guess, you can find the answers here. I am not opening my heart to anyone right now because no one has shown me true love yet. If I would love again, I want it to be someone who has understood me and my idea of love. Because I love love. And I don’t want anyone to mess it up for me.
I know I’m not the smartest, but I’m definitely not dumb. And if there’s one thing I want to do, that is to look out for myself so that I don’t get hurt. I don’t want to experience the same thing that has caused me pain. Who would even want that? Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why I over think and I always end up having presumptions. It’s difficult, you know? Like every time you’d like to try something new and give something or someone a shot you’ll always compare the experience to something you’ve once felt and you’d compare it to the road you’ve once walked in and then you’ll just back out. You’ll back out because you know how things will go and how it would end. People say that I’m one of the bravest people that they have ever met, but i’d like to think otherwise. I’m not saying it because of self-pity, I’m saying it because I really think, that in most aspects, i’m one of the most cowardly people ever to have existed on earth. And in order to secure myself from the dangers of the world, I’ll just stay here and avoid the things that would often lead me to the same heartbreak I’ve experienced a few years back. Sure I can manage other things, but when we talk about things like these, I’d rather stay in my comfort zone. I’ll stay here until someone can finally convince me it’s okay to try something new. Until someone can also look out for me.
One Last Hurrah
Prior to this post, I was trying to recall my past experiences as a student leader in the university. I can’t believe that it has already been three years since I first started my journey as a student leader. Indeed, a lot of things happened, most of them were unplanned, and yet here I am, still doing the same thing that has brought joy and tears in my life. Whenever I think about it, I can’t believe it has been three years already. Some of my friends would often tell me, maybe the reason why I’m not in a relationship is because I have committed myself fully to the council. Three years of committing myself in a council that has given me bittersweet memories. And now, I don’t know if I’m ready to let go.
When I lost the election, I did not cry because someone else won. I cried because I don’t think I was ready to let go of the council. I cried because people cried for my loss, and I believe they felt how hard it was for me to see someone else lead the council that I have loved for the past three years. I was not devastated, but I was not okay either. Still, I kept my feelings to myself because I wanted to be strong for others. I was very vocal about my love for the council. I love the council not because of the perks but because it loved me back. The officers loved me back. The students loved me back. The work, no matter how stressful it was, I felt that it loved me back (because it clung to me almost everywhere I go LOL). Some people may not understand it, but it takes a great deal of passion, commitment, discipline and determination to last in the council. And most of all, the council requires the heart of a student leader to bring it to life. I believe I possessed it all, but still like any other love story, someone had to face rejection. I guess for this story, it was me who got rejected.
The only thing that’s keeping me sane after everything that happened is the students. A great number of students and student leaders are still here to support me. They still love me, even though I feel that I am in my most unlovable state. When you think about it, I’m still the loser. Even if they say “you’re my chairperson”, it won’t change the fact that I still lost. But then I remember, someone told me that anyone can deal with victory, but only the mighty can bear defeat. And it enlightens my mind, and eases the pain in my heart.
There are nights when I would ask myself, had I played differently, would I have won the battle? But then I know it would be a waste of time since there’s nothing I can do about it now. The only thing left for me to do is to accept and let go. I’m happy that I’m ending this chapter with a lighter heart because I know I did everything I can to defend the council that I love. Not because I’m loyal to it, but because the council is something you fight for until the very end. I’m happy that I’m ending this chapter without bringing other people down or without spreading false rumors. I’m happy that I’m ending this chapter without insulting other people or the council itself. I’m happy that i’m ending this chapter without tearing the hearts of others or dividing the group. I’m happy that I’m ending this chapter knowing that I played a part in uniting the student leaders from different parties. I’m happy that I’m ending this chapter knowing that I fought not just for the ordinary students but for all the students, including the student leaders of this university.
I have invested three years of my life in the council. And I have worked hard to be in this place. No one can take that away from me. But maybe in the next academic year, it’s time for me to invest in something else. It’s time for me to let go. But letting go does not necessarily mean forgetting. The council will always have a special place in my heart. And as the line from the movie goes, “I can never unlove you. I just love you in a different way now”. This is not the time for good bye, but it’s time for me to move on. I believe it’s time for me to dream another dream. It’s my last year and maybe I should focus on myself. I don’t know. But one thing’s for sure, I may have lost in my bid, but I am never defeated. You can still see me elsewhere, I still don’t know where, but I know you’ll see more of me.
To end this, I would like to share to you my short conversation with one of my Seniors. I asked him, "Do you think Bicol University will remember me?”, and he answered, “They will remember you- even in the years to come”.
And it was all I needed to hear.
Hey if i were a guy i’d take the risk. I’d go for someone who brings out something in me that I seldom see. I’d go with the girl who challenges me, the one who can make me feel a million emotions at the same time. I’d go for the girl who can make me smile, laugh and most of all make me happy."
Me while talking to a friend. Haha. This is why I don’t have a boyfriend.